Wednesday, December 20, 2006

John Lennon: Musician, Composer, Artist, Poet, and Threat to Western Civiliation as We Know It

The truth about John Lennon's sinister attempts to overthrow Western Civilization have finally been uncovered. After a 25-year battle with the FBI under the Freedom of Information Act, historian Jon Weiner has finally prevailed and the FBI released files obtained in the early 70's from a previously-unnamed "foreign government". In fact, the FBI's argument for refusing to release the papers was its fear that doing so "could lead to diplomatic, political or economic retaliation against the United States."

Among the things the files revealed about that notorious seditionist, John Lennon, were that he was approached by radical leftists to fund the opening of a leftist bookshop and reading room, but refused to give them money. Furthermore, it appears that Lennon intentionally and with malice aforethought contributed absolutely no money to underground or radical organizations. I think we can understand why the FBI was watching this guy so carefully throughout the 70s. He was just full of tricks, wasn't he. (And, to think, some of us actually wondered aloud why it took these guys 19 months to find Patty Hearst. "What could possibly be distracting them?" we would ask, only somewhat rhetorically, looks of bemused consternation on our innocent, upturned faces.)

Oh, and... the foreign government in question? Turns out it was Great Britain.

No word from Tony Blair's government as to when Britain will be declaring economic santions or sending troups into Weiner's stomping grounds at UC Irvine to give him that beat-down he so richly deserves.


Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Hey, Guess What! I'M Time Magazine's Person of the Year!

I first heard about this while watching The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and I swear to God, I was sure it was typical TDS antics. I thought, "Oh, cool... they got Soledad O'Brien to go along with the gag." O'Brien's stock rose for an instant with me.

Then the horrible, dark reality dawned on me. As the sky opened up and the truth(iness) rained down, I realized that we are now perched precariously on the edge of time as we know it. TIME Magazine's Person of the Year is... me. And you. And, yes, even Soledad O'Brien.

I wanted to cry. After everything that's happened this year, after all the good (reclaiming Congress from rightwing goofballs) and the bad (Mark Foley and continuing war in Iraq), the best... the VERY MO-FO BEST that TIME could come up with was this self-referential, pandering piece of crap. They even put a little mirror on the cover of the magazine, presumably so we'd be so taken with our own reflections, we wouldn't look up and see that no one in the mainstream press is even remotely interested in current events.

I think this must signal the end of an era in modern American journalism. They should be ashamed of themselves, but I know they're not. So I'll just be sitting over here being ashamed for them.