Dear People Who Just Arrived On Earth About A Year And A Half Ago:
Welcome. Sorry this note is so late in coming. I actually didn't know you were here until John McCain -- perhaps you've heard of him; he's running for President -- suggested a "gas tax holiday," whereby the federal government, already struggling with a vicious income-to-outgo budget ratio, would suspend gas taxes through the summer months, supposedly to help the consumer with the rising costs of getting from Point A to Point B. His proposal, however, does nothing to control the pricing of gasoline per gallon, so there would be no guarantee, nor any requirement on the part of station owners to lower prices on gasoline one penny. Since this is obviously a half-baked scheme to anyone who has lived on the planet longer than a year and a half, I knew when I heard it that we had new arrivals that needed welcoming.
You'll be pleased to note that McCain and I aren't the only two Earthlings to be aware of your arrival. Why, just last week, another Presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, jumped on this asinine bandwagon as well, further suggesting that we could suspend the "gas tax," but tax oil companies an "excess profits" tax, to make up for it. I took this as confirmation you all had arrived, since anyone who has been on this planet longer than a year and a half knows that the oil companies never met a tax or surcharge they didn't prefer to pass on to us. Senator Clinton's gas holiday tax plan also fails to ensure that station owners actually lower their gas prices, making a "gas tax holiday" a further boon for the oil companies -- as if they needed one.
So, I hope our little "Welcome to Earth" celebration -- complete with three-ring circus and the requisite number of buffoons -- has made you feel at home and provided you with more than a little amusement. It has me, I can tell you. I find myself laughing right now, when I think of it.